Thu, 14 Jul 2022 22:52:42 -0700WeeblyTue, 29 Dec 2020 05:19:59 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/a-treatise-on-plastic-batsAs with many in the entertainment industry, 2020 has been mostly a quiet year for perennial popsters King Luan who, presumably, have been locked down in their sensory deprivation tanks awaiting either a COVID-19 vaccine, or herd immunity, or for Bill Gates to assume his rightful role as New World Order bossy boots.

But, as the year no one wants to remember comes to a merciful close, the King has started making brief appearances from his royal balcony to metaphorically Zoom-wave at the befuddled masses. First, in mid-November, the King got a nod from Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show in a segment called “Do Not Play” for their early hit “There Are No Gnomes in Sweden” (spoiler: yes, there are!). And now He has given his loyal subjects a taste of possible tunes to come (a 2021 album?) with “Plastic Bat”, a boppy piece that vacillates between a biology lesson on those nocturnal mammalian cave-dwellers, and a primer on the Aussie summer time-filler sport called “cricket”. Although the premise might sound a little sloppy, this piece ain’t no guano!

Driven by a head-nodding bass riff continuo and synths so bright and shiny they could be referred to as the second Great Conjunction of 2020, the King’s lead warbler kicks off his biology lesson, his voice all royal affectation with rolling “rrrr”s aplenty. Thankfully, the biology doesn’t get too cerebral and, before the lyrics might get mired in batty caca, the chorus switches subjects and talks cricket instead: “Life plays hardball so often / I am the Plastic Bat / Life throws a googly so softly / I am the Plastic Bat”. Cricket as metaphor for life...or perhaps as a summary of the whole 2020 thing? This past year has certainly had more than its fair share of “googlys” and “wrong’uns”!
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Read between the lines, though, and you might leave the batcave and the cricket pitch and find yourself down a more conspiratorial rabbit hole. How/where/why did the pandemic begin? Who’s responsible? Where is it all leading us? This is not the first time His Royal Luanness has dipped his toe in the moat of global intrigue. Although the title, “Plastic Bat”, is a clear reference to the mainstream narrative that the pandemic originated in a wet market in Wuhan, China (naturally, all things plastic come from China, and the bat...well, say no more); but other lyrics suggest alternative narratives. “Lava glow-worm in the cavern, what will he become? / Firefly or fungus gnat, a life of glowing done”. Is hazardous cave-life a stand-in for how pandemic misinformation is keeping us all in the dark? Are we peons merely glow-worms and the bats technocrats ready to devour or enslave us? Who knows—it’s all pretty heady stuff. Perhaps I should go back to pondering the existence of gnomes in Sweden or vampires in Romania.  

- Bartok
]]>Fri, 18 Nov 2016 11:58:25 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/an-analysis-of-the-recalcitrant-colonials-from-bartokIn the Spring of 1966, The Beatles recorded “Paperback Writer” partly in response to critics and fans who believed the Fab Four were too ‘lite’ to turn their amps all the way up to eleven. As ever a band paralleled The Beatles artistically, King Luan has fired a shot across the bow of their own disillusioned fan-base an undistilled, unapologetic rock album in response to murmurings that the band were likewise just a bunch of pop-formula lemmings.

Reading the title of the opening track on their fourth studio album, “The Recalcitrant Colonel”, you would be forgiven for thinking that this was just another collection of clever, catchy love/pop tunes. But hit play and “Love Love Love” smacks you squarely in the face with a dirty guitar riff and distorted radio vocals. Lead recalcitrant/voxist, Hugh Wilson, fairly spits the words out. [Side-bar: Is the album title a sly reference to former Australian PM Paul Keating who famously referred to ex-Colonel and Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad as a “recalcitrant”, thereby almost triggering an international ‘incident’? Rabid history junkies as they are, King Luan almost certainly uses the word here as an acerbic reference to edgier Aussie political days.]

The guitar knobs stay all the way up on the second track, “Radio”, with Wilson intoning a hybrid Brit-Punk-Pop vocal that conjures up The Clash, The Jam, and a handful of other bygone tragi-heroes of the 70’s-80’s British music pseudo-underworld. Two tracks later, on “Change Rearrange”, Wilson convincingly channels Mick Jagger singing a vague variation of “Should I Stay or Should I Go” (The Clash, again). The frenetic energy relents, but only briefly with “Swamp Boogie Baby”, a medium-tempo piece that calls to mind Marc Bolan and “Get It On” slowed to a Sunday afternoon cruising shuffle. “Thanks for the Sanity” ramps up the crunchy guitar jubilation once again with an unsettling spoken word lyric that quickly yields to an epileptic spasm of synths and drums that evoke anything but sanity.

Bringing up the rear of the album is a quartet of instrumental pieces, all guitar-driven tributes to the history of rock ‘n’ roll. “Free as the Highway” references 90’s anthemic rock, whereas “Black and Chrome” is propelled by ‘black’ thrashy guitars punctuated with ‘chrome’-shiny keys. The third piece in the quartet, “Hot as Cayenne”, almost certainly was co-written and produced by Angus Young: the raw 70’s guitar riff is a throwback to AC/DC in their glorious “TNT”/“Highway to Hell” heyday. You almost expect Bon Scott to reanimate, dust himself off, and snarl into the mike.

The final track, “Big Boy Rockaface”, is a ska-ish piece that sounds as if Radiohead’s Thom Yorke and the lads from Madness hung out in the studio to jam while the Wilson boys hit record and went outside for a smoke. Which they quite possibly did.

​OK, King, message received. You won’t be pigeon-holed. You have invoked the rock pantheon to answer your critics and they have been roundly rebuked. They said you were rule-followers; you smashed a metaphorical pint glass and shoved it in their collective face. Recalcitrants indeed! 

​- Bartok

​]]>Fri, 16 Sep 2016 03:44:43 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/latest-report-on-the-lack-of-evidence-for-swedish-gnomesFrom their inception, dark-horse iconoclasts (but don’t call them party-poopers) King Luan have been on a fervent mission to unravel and dispel populist myths, while unabashedly promulgating plenty of their own. (But no need for concern―they have promised to leave Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy untouched!) They have disabused us of vampires in Romania, and now they have made their way to Scandinavia.

In “There Are No Gnomes in Sweden”, KL joins ranks with the global warming and Area 51 conspiracists by suggesting that, ahem, there are no gnomes in Sweden. If this disappointing exposé were delivered on a thrashy metal soundtrack it might be soundly rejected as heresy (or perhaps hearsay?); as it were, however, the King has issued his decree on a silky smooth pillow of synth pads and adult contemporary rhythm tracks.

A spoonful of honey makes this medicine go down…real easy. Still, the revelation is so startling that one wonders how it finally had to come from these lads Down Under rather than any of the myriad local Swedish bands that were, presumably, closer to the truth. We might forgive the candy pop of Abba, Roxette and Ace of Base for shrewdly dancing around such controversy; other bands like Dark Tranquility, Dismember, or even Miike Snow obviously just copped out. Not so King Luan.

As vocalist/revolutionary, Hugh Wilson, sings, “No little hats or curly beards or rotten teeth; and not one child has ever been reported being eaten”. This may not be the end of the world as we know it, but it gets us all a little closer to the precipice.

But wait a minute! For those stout of heart enough to stay with the track to its conclusion, the lyrics seem to flip-flop with enigmatic hints that our height/teeth-challenged Arctic Circle brethren may exist after all: “Leave us alone now, for we are the people laying low; the not-so-tasty Danish, if the truth be told…” One could be forgiven for feeling a little duped by Wilson and his band of merry myth-busters; there are no gnomes, there may be gnomes…we’re all gnomes?

​But, as with most things King Luan, the ruse is light-hearted enough, and the musical ride satisfying enough, that any lyrical sleight-of-hand is easily absolved. So, are there really no gnomes in Sweden? Well, of course the answer is…?

- Bartok 

]]>Tue, 13 Sep 2016 12:15:42 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/report-on-developing-situation-in-romania"King Luan has consistently been on the laser cutting edge of the burgeoning music genre popularly known as “adult abstractia”. Their synth-laden music overlaid with mystical, arcane lyrics has enchanted hipster Burning Man throngs and zealous Mystery Cult adherents for the past few years.

Their latest offering, “No Vampires Remain in Romania (Dracula Spectacular)”, is a quirky yet vitriolic indictment against populist vampire entertainment (yes, I’m talking to you “Twilight”, “Vampire Diaries” and “True Blood”!).

When lead vocalist Hugh Wilson spews “I am not your objet d’art…I am not your sepia heyday” (complete with faux Eastern European affectations and trilled r’s aplenty), it’s enough to compel the listener to rip down and burn every Robert Pattinson poster in morbid shame.

But, just before the party devolves into utter gloominess, in comes the poppy chorus with its disco bass and 80’s New Wave ebullience. Hey, vampirist also-rans and after-dead wannabes, no need to wallow; there may be no more vampires in Romania but that doesn’t mean you can’t don your black robes and dance until the sun rises. Then, it’s back to the crypt (you know, just in case)."    

​- Bartok ]]>Tue, 01 Sep 2015 21:00:16 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/september-01st-2015The game is on 
The world is a stage 
Heroes created
Beast mode engage

Panthéon

The idols arise
The world is a tomb
Rome is burning
An entropic boom

Panthéon 

Why is the sky so endless?
Why are our towers so small?
Build on the shoulders of giants
One game to rule them all

Panthéon 
and on and on

]]>Tue, 01 Sep 2015 20:58:53 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/i-am-the-blackbirdI am the blackbird in the night 
I am the sun bear in the day 
I am the monkey in the jungle 
I am the fish in the fillet 

I am a tiger trapped inside a small balloon 
that is floating in the stomach of a large angry baboon 

I am animal 
I said I am an animal 

I am the tame domestic cat 
I am the raged infected rat 
I am the mimicking macaw 
I am wild attacking boar 

I am a puppy eating up a giant moth that flew all the way from Costa Rica to escape the clutches of a giant sloth 

I am animal 
I said I am an animal]]>Tue, 01 Sep 2015 20:55:14 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/dracula-spectacula Dracula Spectacular

 I am not your Dracula spectacular
 This is not your weekend in Vegas
 This is not your selfie obscura
 I am not your tour guide of Paris

 No vampires remain in Romania
 No vampires remain in Romania
 Don’t walk alone in Transylvania
 No vampires remain in Romania

 This is not West Hollywood on Thursday
 I am not your objet d’art
 I am not your sepia heyday
 This is not the moment we part

 No vampires remain in Romania
 No vampires remain in Romania
 Don’t donate blood in Transylvania
 No vampires remain in Romania

 I am not your pop starlet saviour
 This is not your reference du jour
 This is not your sanctioned behaviour
 I am not the disease or the cure

 No vampires remain in Romania
 No vampires remain in Romania
 Don't sing this song in Transylvania
 No vampires remain in Romania]]>Tue, 01 Sep 2015 20:51:44 GMThttp://kingluan.com/royal-decrees/there-are-no-gnomes-in-swedenThere are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 
There are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 

No little hats, no jolly beards, or rotted teeth 
and not one child has ever been reported being eaten 
Not one child 

Just like there are no Fins there in Finland 
Now while at first that may sound grand, 
it's just because they've all been eaten by the hungry gnomes who aren't 
aren't in Sweden 

There are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 
(They've never seen them) 
There are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 
(They've never seen them) 

Now Viking is as Viking does and Vikings can't be beaten 
And as that is, it's most unwise to try to eat Norwegians 
But hungry gnomes they come and go, a belly-full they're feeding 
Pockets lined with Swedish gold, they nash their broken teeth and scold 
They lick their bloody lips and cry "we'll eat you up until you die" 

There are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 
(They've never seen them) 
There are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 
(They've never seen them) 

No little hats... no jolly beards... 

So if you're Swedish, rest assured, your bureaucrats have bought them all 
And logic tells us now that you certainly can't be Finnish 
So 'fore I finnish this tale of woe, 
if you're a Viking, maybe you'll take a liking to us 
and leave us alone now 
for we are the people laying low 
the not so tasty Danish 
if the truth be told. 
(the not so tasty Danish, the not so tasty Danish 
if the truth be told) 

There are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 
There are no gnomes in Sweden 
No reports that anybody down there has ever seen them 

No little hats... no jolly beards...

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